In Memory of Stella
My tribute to a kind, complicated, beautiful human being who lived a troubled life despite being loved by many.
I first met Stella about 8 years ago when she was Stephen and I married her mother. At the age of 30, Stella started her transition of confirming who she truly was, a woman. Stella was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, and a variety of other co-occurring mental health disorders over the time that I knew her and she could never conquer the demons that haunted her. She died from complications of an eating disorder (anorexia nervosa) and protein malnutrition causing organ failure on 10/24/24, finally at peace at the age of 33.
One of her friends wrote this poem that described Stella from a perspective that many of her friends shared with her Mom and me.
Stella
Her light Her beauty
She was a shooting star
She shown with brilliance
Fiery witty
Indecent
Her love was guarded
And when you saw glimpse of it
Experience glimpse of it
It was an unknown love
An honored space
To be let in
To be known by her
To see her Her in her beautiful essence of being
She could be harsh and full of beauty at the same time
She guarded her love
And in the moments, the guard was let down and shared
I saw beauty
Light
Love
The body that she was in could never contain the wonder of who she truly is
She wasn’t meant for this world
Her spirit
Her essence
Her energy will continue
It will go beyond space and time
I love this woman
I love who she was
In pain
Broken
In life
In beauty
I am honored to have known her
To love her
To be loved by her
To be brought into her world
Yes, it was a world of pain
Of unknown
Of Illusion I know
She goes on In beauty
She goes on
Into a space
Where bodies do not define
Where her essence can be pure
True nature can be seen
She is not gone
She is free
The System Failed Her
The “system” failed Stella. It failed her when she tried to get treatment, over and over. It failed her on the several hundred visits to the Emergency Room for help with mental health and substance use only to discharge her repeatedly without treatment. It failed her when she was forced to spend time in jail as a transgender inmate due to her alcohol abuse that resulted in a DUI conviction. (Note: the jails put transgender inmates in solitary confinement, cruel and unusual punishment and even considered a form of torture in some countries).
It even failed her at the end when she was in hospice care due to her organs failing from protein malnutrition and the hospice care decided to drop her coverage.
Stella lived a tragic life but one that had a message. That is a message that I want to share with everyone who reads my writing. Stella was on Medicare due to her disability. Her mental health diagnosis meant that she was unable to work and she easily qualified for Social Security disability payments and I became her “representative payee”, which meant that I had to setup a joint checking account for her monthly disability payments and then write checks for all of her daily living expenses, which were not even close to being covered by her measly monthly payment.
Treatment for mental health and associated medical issues including the effects of years of substance abuse are hard enough to get even for people who can afford it. But then Medicare (and Medicaid in Colorado to cover what Medicare would not) made it even harder to find Stella help when she needed it. And when she was hospitalized for mental health issues, she was assaulted multiple times for being a queer person. Many medical care practitioners and facilities will not accept Medicare patients, and that became especially problematic when Stella was diagnosed with an eating disorder (ED).
Stella tried multiple times to get “treated” for her ED in Colorado. There were no options for inpatient treatment for an eating disorder under Medicare and she was left with no choice but to leave home and her support to find treatment in Wisconsin.
Nothing that anyone did at any of the ED treatment centers made any difference in her brain, which was telling her body that it was too fat no matter how much weight she lost. The ED “treatment” of forced feeding tubes only inflicted more trauma. Stella had lost nearly half her body weight by the time she passed away. Stella fought relentlessly for her life, but in the end the broken system won.
After qualifying for hospice care and nearing organ failure, Stella’s suffering became intolerable. Ultimately, Stella qualified for and chose MAID because death was inevitable and she had suffered enough. Her final transition included a water cremation that left “tree tea” that her family and friends used to water the trees and bushes at the nonprofit safe haven that her mother started and that continues to serve others in the LQBTQ community who struggle with substance abuse.
Stella’s House at Heart Mind Haven will go on, and Stella’s remains are now part of the land surrounding the house that was created out of a need to help Stella when she struggled with addiction.
Please share this post if you know anyone who struggles with an eating disorder or substance abuse due to mental illness. Their struggles are real and made that much harder by our profit-driven medical system.
Be kind to others, accept and love them as they are, and share this message to help educate others who may not have experienced any of this for themselves.
I loved Stella, not just because I was her step-father but because she was kind, intelligent, sometimes humorous, and always open about her feelings and beliefs. Stella was never afraid to speak her mind and I respected her for that.
I hope that her legacy will live on through Heart Mind Haven, but also through increased awareness of the struggles that so many of our younger generation are experiencing now including eating disorders. This NBC News story from April 2023 highlights the concern:
Eating disorders among teens more severe than ever
Charitable Giving Fund
I have set up a charitable giving fund through Fidelity and have started to donate to some nonprofits that I believe Stella would have wanted me to donate to. If anyone reading this is aware of a nonprofit that supports ED treatment or education, please leave a comment.
And if you have gotten this far, thanks for reading and send kind thoughts to Stella’s mother, who tried with all her might to save her only child and in the end could only respect and support Stella’s choice for a peaceful end to her suffering. Peace be with you, and please be kind to others.
Wow, and by chance I can truly relate. I had a friend , we were even roommates for a short time, who was bipolar and also an alcoholic.. He told me he had been deported from Canada because of his exhibitionism. He had a Jewish mother and German father and his family moved to Canada after the war. Some how he wound up stateless born I believe in a camp after the war. In the 90's I signed him out of jail twice as he had no family here in Israel. I know he spent time in prison here too which left its mark on him. Finally as I was going through a divorce I limited my contacted and 4 years later he ended his life after numerous tries over the years. Leaving me with a small package of guilt. Sharing induces sharing. Thank you.
Thoughts and prayers for all…thank you for sharing. God bless….